HAROLD'S TOTALLY UNCENSORED SHOW BIZ STORY #1

"IT'S A LOVING"



The time, September 1985. The place, MTM Radford Studios, fabulous Studio CIty, California. The situation, a hit is born and Hecuba goes "one on one" with an actress to be named later... when I'm dead! While the rest of the cast and crew are gathered in director's chairs on the main restaurant set watching the first episode of "It's A Living" beam across the 20 inch Sony sitting stage center, yours truly found himself sitting on a bed on the swing set of "Jan's room" working on a better "Hello Joke" than the one we had. (More on "Hello Jokes" in a future glossary item.) But who comes over to supposedly go over the proper delivery of a joke than one of the stars of the show. I won't tell you the lady's name, because I'm a gentleman, but before I could say "Went On To Star On Wings", she grabs me by the Members Only jacket, if you know what I mean. One thing leads to another and Madame X and me find ourselves rolling around in the editor's booth. We put our clothes back on, say it was just one of those things and head back down to the stage, where we run into Fred Adelman, the president of the network.



Fred says "Hey, Harold (not my real name), and the chick shits a brick. I gather from her reaction that she thought I was Fred! She thought she was screwing the head of the network, not some ink-stained gag man! She went on to finally put the blocks to Fred after all, his wife found out and then jumped off an overpass on the 134 Freeway. Caused a 9 hour traffic jam and I didn't get home till 2AM. Yes, sir, comedy is a funny business.

JACK ALBERTSON'S ESTATE CAN KISS MY TUCHIS!


Leave me alone, for the nine thousandth time. It's my Emmy. Sure it says Jack's name on it, but he gave it to me. You understand me, some grandniece from South Nowhere? Your granduncle gave it to me. Me, Hecuba. Why? Wouldn't you give it away if you were grateful to the writer of the episode of "Chico And The Man" that earned you the award? Grateful to the man who sat down and dreamed up that speech where Ed ("The Man" to you babies in diapers out there) tells his buddy the cop how much he misses Chico now that he's in that "big barrio in the sky"? Sure you would.




Maybe you wouldn't because you're not a class act like Jonathan "Jack" Albertson, you're just some distant heir without a funny bone in your body trying to get back what you think is rightfully yours. Well, you can take it out of my cold dead hands... and they will be cold because I'lll give that trophy up when hell freezes over! (BUT HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL?) That IS how I really feel! I'm sorry, I just get so mad at ingrates who never did anything in show business. Forgive me. I'll make nice tomorrow.

YOUTH TODAY... HOO BOY


So my grandson reads the blog and calls me. Who is Phil Silvers, he asks. I can't believe this kid. Never heard of Phil SIlvers? What are you, I ask -- 8? No, 13, he says. All the more reason I say. I give him my DVDs of Bilko ( I can't figure out how to work the button thing anyway) and tell him "Call me in a week." Kids today have no respect for the comedy giants of our industry. It's all David Spade and Dice Clay with them I suppose. Times like this make me want to really kill myself this time. (BUT HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL?)