NO POST TODAY


Sorry, fans, but I'm not up to it. Seems Mr. Aaron "Family Don't Mean Nothing" Sorkin did not see fit to hire Hecuba for his pile of dog-puke show "Studio 60 On The Sunset SHIT!" (Pun very much intended.)

I just don't know anymore. My spec Lou Grant was great!




It was great 25 years ago when I wrote it with my late partner! It had it all -- laughs (Great B-story with Animal and Rossi), drama (will Mrs. Pynchon pull a hard-hitting story on corruption at the Department of Streets?), and it had something not found anywhere within a hundred miles of SORE-KIN... HEART! The scene where Lou tells the girl, what's her name, that he'd rather have her in his newsroom than a boatful of Joseph Alsops. I'm crying all over again.

So okay, maybe this kid BORE-KIN, (who I once saw in diapers!!!) didn't "GET" my Lou Grant. I don't see how, but for the sake of argument we'll say okay. Not his cup of hack tea. Fine. But does loyalty to a man who served in the Marines with your father forty-five years ago mean nothing today? Like I said, I don't know. Well screw WHORE-KIN and his whole stupid, badly written, totally bullshit when it comes to the facts of how TV is produced show. I don't need his charity! I have you, my loyal readers to entertain. And if I get just one chuckle out of somebody sitting at their computer screen, then it'll be better than all the phony pats on the back I'd have got from FRAUD-KIN. I hope his show gets ball cancer! You read right... BALL CANCER! Let it die like Beverly Hills Buntz! (Another show run by a jerk who didn't "Get" my Lou Grant.




You hear me BOTCH-CO?!! You can all go to hell. I've had it with this business.

Well, that's it for now. Maybe I'll feel like being funny tomorrow, who knows. You all get off the computer and hug your kids, because that's what it's all about.

HAROLD'S COMEDY GLOSSARY LESSON #1: "THE CLAM"



A "CLAM" is a comedy writer's term for a joke or form of joke that is old hat, overused, played out. It's the worst sin a comedy writer can commit -- to put a clam in your script. (That's why I rate my reviews in CLAMS -- Five Clams being the worst (FAMILY GOY) and Zero Clams being the best (STUDIO 60). And the cockamamie thing is that the ground is always changing. A joke can be fresh one moment and a clam the next, such is comedy.

For instance, when I came up with it back in 19-never-you-mind-how-long-ago, "Too much information" was the hottest gag to hit the sitcom world since Lucy met Ricky.



When it was uttered by the late great Nell Carter on an episode of "Gimme A Break" I penned, it detonated in that studio like an Atomic freakin' bomb! They had to stop tape, the laugh went on for so long. It made Sammy Davis kissing Archie Bunker look like "Death Of A Salesman" was how new and fresh that was. Now, 20 or so years later, having a character respond to another by saying "Too much information" is hopelessly old hat. It is a CLAM. Do not use it. And certainly don't use it four times in one script. I learned that when I submitted my spec "According to Jim" to my agent's hot-shit young coffee-getting monkey who now for some reason says he's my agent. Here's another CLAM for you: "Don't call us, we'll call you." Sadly, that CLAM is still being used. Godddamn them all to Hell!!!

That last part I didn't want to be on this thing, but I can't figure out how to make my son's computer erase it, so there you have it. Look for more Glossary items in the future, though I don't know how many more, because once I start work on "Studio 60" I won't have time for this nonsense.

HAROLD'S MINI REVIEW #2: "STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP" or... "The BEST Wing".



This is a show, people. Quite frankly, it's got it all and then some. Drama, laughs, dramatic laughs, funny drama. It's a work of genius. A genius named Aaron Sorkin. Now he's taken a lot of guff from some other so-called comedy writers for his take on the profession in the show within the show. Well that's just bull! Based on my experience, this show is right on the money. Not all comedy writers are sloppy thieving hacks -- but MOST of 'em are. Sorkin is just telling it like it is. I've worked with hundreds of writers over my years in this business, and, yes, they are prone to slobbering over Chinese food like a bunch of pinhead morons. And, yes, they all steal jokes, stories, and entire scripts ALL THE TIME. Don't believe me? Examine the evidence: THE FLINTSONES. Merely a rip-off of The Honeymooners. THE JETSONS. A rip-off of The Flinstones. THE OFFICE? Merely a rip-off of COLUCCI'S DEPARTMENT (look that up on your You Tube if you don't believe me. What's that? It's not on You Tube? How convenient.)

Studio 60 tells it like it is, or at least how I remember it was, since nobody in the business seems fit to return my calls or read my material these days. Except.... Aaron Sorkin. HIs dad was in the Marines with me so he's put in a good word for old Hec.



To wit, Aaron is now reading yours truly's spec "Lou Grant"... the granddaddy of the whole dramedy genre. My fingers are crossed (but not for much longer once my arthritis prescription runs out) and I hope to be back in the game soon.

HAROLD'S VERDICT: ZERO CLAMS OUT OF FIVE CLAMS. To quote the kids.... this show is da bomb's pajamas!
Studio 60 is genius and I can't wait to put words in that brilliant mouth of Mr. Bradley Whitford. Well, I'm off to lunch at Nate N' Al's with my old buddies from the "Chico" days. And this time I'M buying!