PROFESSOR HECUBA'S KOMEDY KOLLEGE


Greetings, class. You come here with your funny bones full of mush! But you will leave here... a comedy writer. Then you're on your own, and don't think just because you know everything and you're amazingly talented you'll be out there setting the sticom world on fire, because it just don't happen like that anymore. Well, at least not to me. But still we perservere. We continue to write our jokes, our gags, our bits, we go to Nate N Al's with our friends from the "Gimme A Break" days and we bitch and moan. Because we are comedy writers! And after enrolling in my totally free Blog-Course you can call yourself a comedy writer too. But if you stand between me and a freelance assignment on "Hannah Montana", look out -- I will kick your balls in. Because that is what we do, too.

With that being established -- let the lessons begin.

LESSON #1: POP CULTURE REFERENCES, OR "BYE BYE BARDOT"

The first thing you need to know about the art of sitcom writing is this: REFERENCES. There's nothing wrong with your computer TV -- I put it in all capitals for a reason. And the reason is this: REFERENCES to popular culture are the sitcom writer's bread and butter. Need a great joke to start a scene? Throw in a Bill Clinton joke. Need a great blow to a scene? CALL BACK the Bill Clinton joke. See how easy it is? BUT... and this is a big but. Your references have to be fresh and new, like the Clinton thing, or else you're deader than Dagmar, baby.

But Professor Hecuba, how do I know what references are still fresh? What, do you want me to do everything for you? Am I your slave? Jesus! KIDDING! Just print out and keep this handy Reference Reference and you're good to go.

OLD REFERENCE FOR BABE WITH GREAT BODY: Brigitte Bardot



NEW REFERENCE FOR BABE WITH GREAT BODY: Scarlet Johannson


OLD JOKE FOR YOUR STAR TO MAKE WHEN HIS MOTHER IN LAW VISITS: "Here she comes -- Excedrin Headache Number 32!"


NEW JOKE FOR YOUR STAR TO MAKE WHEN HIS MOTHER IN LAW VISITS: "Here she comes -- Abu Musab Al Zarqawi in a dress!"



OLD WAY FOR THE GAY GUY TO NERVOUSLY BACK OUT OF THE ROOM: "I just remembered, I left my Jacuzzi on Fast-Forward."



NEW WAY FOR THE GAY GUY TO NERVOUSLY BACK OUT OF THE ROOM: " I just remembered, I left my Palm Pilot in the Hot Sink."


OLD FUNNY EUPHEMISM FOR PENIS: "Sansabelt Buddy"

NEW FUNNY EUPHEMISM FOR PENIS: "Wang" (Network) "Cock" (Cable)

That should be enough to get you started. For homework, take a lined sheet of composition paper. On one side, make a list of people, situations and attiitudes the characters in your sitcom script might find themselves in. On the other side, make a list of things in movies, commercials, sports and the news that are funny-sounding. Now match the funny sounding current reference with the thing from your show. Whatever sounds funny is a winner... and so will be you.

HAROLD'S TOTALLY UNCENSORED SHOW BIZ STORY #1

"IT'S A LOVING"



The time, September 1985. The place, MTM Radford Studios, fabulous Studio CIty, California. The situation, a hit is born and Hecuba goes "one on one" with an actress to be named later... when I'm dead! While the rest of the cast and crew are gathered in director's chairs on the main restaurant set watching the first episode of "It's A Living" beam across the 20 inch Sony sitting stage center, yours truly found himself sitting on a bed on the swing set of "Jan's room" working on a better "Hello Joke" than the one we had. (More on "Hello Jokes" in a future glossary item.) But who comes over to supposedly go over the proper delivery of a joke than one of the stars of the show. I won't tell you the lady's name, because I'm a gentleman, but before I could say "Went On To Star On Wings", she grabs me by the Members Only jacket, if you know what I mean. One thing leads to another and Madame X and me find ourselves rolling around in the editor's booth. We put our clothes back on, say it was just one of those things and head back down to the stage, where we run into Fred Adelman, the president of the network.



Fred says "Hey, Harold (not my real name), and the chick shits a brick. I gather from her reaction that she thought I was Fred! She thought she was screwing the head of the network, not some ink-stained gag man! She went on to finally put the blocks to Fred after all, his wife found out and then jumped off an overpass on the 134 Freeway. Caused a 9 hour traffic jam and I didn't get home till 2AM. Yes, sir, comedy is a funny business.

A NATION MOURNS




















... the death of COMEDY! See, that's what we call a rug-pull. The title and photo set you up for a post about Anna Nicole What's-Her-Rack and then I pulled the rug out from under you to lead into my real topic....

HAROLD'S MINI REVIEW #3: I GAVE AT "THE OFFICE" -- NOT A CRAP, THAT IS.



So, this is comedy? Could somebody out there explain to me how any of this is funny? The lead guy, the 40 year old virgin, is a complete retard. The other guy with the glasses is a moron and the other guy, Joe Handsome, just sits there gaping at the frumpy girl like he just did a load in his pants, and then does some kind of half-smile every two seconds. Again, I ask you -- where are the jokes? Where are the laughs? In my day (and, in my mind, this is still "my day" because I ain't done yet!), a comedy show had jokes and laughs. Real honest to goodness laughs laughed by real honest to goodness people. Sure, some of these people had been recorded years ago and were probably dead by now, but at least they were laughing! They were telling you: "THIS IS A COMEDY... THAT WAS A FUNNY JOKE... YOU SHOULD LAUGH TOO." I don't know what happened all a sudden than comedies don't have jokes or laughs. ANd this thing, this "OFFICE"... it's like The Emperor's New Suit or something. The whole world and the critics (more on those pencilschlongs in another post) fall all over it and suddenly we're all supposed to fall on our knees and kiss this show's butt. Not this critic. See, I know comedy. Comedy is funny. This... I don't know what it is. And what the hell is this looking at the camera all the time??? That is the epitome of unprofessionalism! Where is the director when all this is happening? Calling his email broker or something? It just makes me sad.

Well, at least we still have "According To Jim".

HAROLD'S SCORE: 4 CLAMS OUT OF FIVE. (I'll take one off for that it's only a ripoff of an English show, so the saps putting this out aren't completely to blame.)

NO POST TODAY


Sorry, fans, but I'm not up to it. Seems Mr. Aaron "Family Don't Mean Nothing" Sorkin did not see fit to hire Hecuba for his pile of dog-puke show "Studio 60 On The Sunset SHIT!" (Pun very much intended.)

I just don't know anymore. My spec Lou Grant was great!




It was great 25 years ago when I wrote it with my late partner! It had it all -- laughs (Great B-story with Animal and Rossi), drama (will Mrs. Pynchon pull a hard-hitting story on corruption at the Department of Streets?), and it had something not found anywhere within a hundred miles of SORE-KIN... HEART! The scene where Lou tells the girl, what's her name, that he'd rather have her in his newsroom than a boatful of Joseph Alsops. I'm crying all over again.

So okay, maybe this kid BORE-KIN, (who I once saw in diapers!!!) didn't "GET" my Lou Grant. I don't see how, but for the sake of argument we'll say okay. Not his cup of hack tea. Fine. But does loyalty to a man who served in the Marines with your father forty-five years ago mean nothing today? Like I said, I don't know. Well screw WHORE-KIN and his whole stupid, badly written, totally bullshit when it comes to the facts of how TV is produced show. I don't need his charity! I have you, my loyal readers to entertain. And if I get just one chuckle out of somebody sitting at their computer screen, then it'll be better than all the phony pats on the back I'd have got from FRAUD-KIN. I hope his show gets ball cancer! You read right... BALL CANCER! Let it die like Beverly Hills Buntz! (Another show run by a jerk who didn't "Get" my Lou Grant.




You hear me BOTCH-CO?!! You can all go to hell. I've had it with this business.

Well, that's it for now. Maybe I'll feel like being funny tomorrow, who knows. You all get off the computer and hug your kids, because that's what it's all about.

HAROLD'S COMEDY GLOSSARY #2: "LAYING PIPE"



Now don't start thinking dirty, because Hecuba never works blue. "Laying Pipe" is a comedy writer's term for the process of setting the scene -- providing needed but often boring exposition for a scene or episode. It's called laying pipe, because, like all manual labor, it's difficult and thankless and should only be done by Mexican day workers (that last part is a joke, so save your angry e-letters!). As thankless and anti-comedy as it is, it is also an essential task. How else can you do a joke about a character's fat mother unless the audience knows that the mother is fat before the punchline? You tell me that, smart ass from out there who thinks he could do my job better than me!

Anyway, there is a craft to laying pipe in the most elegant, inconspicuous way possible. Let Professor Hecuba teach you by way of a "word problem."



You have been given the privelege of writing an episode of "Lotsa Luck" starring the great Dom DeLuise. Now, in this scene, Dom, in the character of Stanley Belmont, needs to make a Christmas-related joke to his mooching brother-in-law Arthur (played by that prick Wynn Irwin) and the joke hinges on the fact that he is Stanley's brother in law. The joke won't work without the audience knowing this fact and it's still early in the run of the show so you can't count on the viewers to know their relationship. Which of these lines do you write for Dom/Stanley?

a) "Arthur, remind me again why you're my brother-in-law."

b) "I can't believe you're my brother-in-law on Christmas Eve."

OR

c) "As you know, you are my brother-in-law, and as you also know, it's Christmas Eve."

The answer: NONE of them! It's too hard to lay this pipe, it can't be done. You cut the joke and give Dom some business where he accidentally drinks the water out of the Christmas tree stand. That's what a professional does.

Thus endeth the lesson.

HAROLD'S COMEDY GLOSSARY LESSON #1: "THE CLAM"



A "CLAM" is a comedy writer's term for a joke or form of joke that is old hat, overused, played out. It's the worst sin a comedy writer can commit -- to put a clam in your script. (That's why I rate my reviews in CLAMS -- Five Clams being the worst (FAMILY GOY) and Zero Clams being the best (STUDIO 60). And the cockamamie thing is that the ground is always changing. A joke can be fresh one moment and a clam the next, such is comedy.

For instance, when I came up with it back in 19-never-you-mind-how-long-ago, "Too much information" was the hottest gag to hit the sitcom world since Lucy met Ricky.



When it was uttered by the late great Nell Carter on an episode of "Gimme A Break" I penned, it detonated in that studio like an Atomic freakin' bomb! They had to stop tape, the laugh went on for so long. It made Sammy Davis kissing Archie Bunker look like "Death Of A Salesman" was how new and fresh that was. Now, 20 or so years later, having a character respond to another by saying "Too much information" is hopelessly old hat. It is a CLAM. Do not use it. And certainly don't use it four times in one script. I learned that when I submitted my spec "According to Jim" to my agent's hot-shit young coffee-getting monkey who now for some reason says he's my agent. Here's another CLAM for you: "Don't call us, we'll call you." Sadly, that CLAM is still being used. Godddamn them all to Hell!!!

That last part I didn't want to be on this thing, but I can't figure out how to make my son's computer erase it, so there you have it. Look for more Glossary items in the future, though I don't know how many more, because once I start work on "Studio 60" I won't have time for this nonsense.

HAROLD'S MINI REVIEW #2: "STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP" or... "The BEST Wing".



This is a show, people. Quite frankly, it's got it all and then some. Drama, laughs, dramatic laughs, funny drama. It's a work of genius. A genius named Aaron Sorkin. Now he's taken a lot of guff from some other so-called comedy writers for his take on the profession in the show within the show. Well that's just bull! Based on my experience, this show is right on the money. Not all comedy writers are sloppy thieving hacks -- but MOST of 'em are. Sorkin is just telling it like it is. I've worked with hundreds of writers over my years in this business, and, yes, they are prone to slobbering over Chinese food like a bunch of pinhead morons. And, yes, they all steal jokes, stories, and entire scripts ALL THE TIME. Don't believe me? Examine the evidence: THE FLINTSONES. Merely a rip-off of The Honeymooners. THE JETSONS. A rip-off of The Flinstones. THE OFFICE? Merely a rip-off of COLUCCI'S DEPARTMENT (look that up on your You Tube if you don't believe me. What's that? It's not on You Tube? How convenient.)

Studio 60 tells it like it is, or at least how I remember it was, since nobody in the business seems fit to return my calls or read my material these days. Except.... Aaron Sorkin. HIs dad was in the Marines with me so he's put in a good word for old Hec.



To wit, Aaron is now reading yours truly's spec "Lou Grant"... the granddaddy of the whole dramedy genre. My fingers are crossed (but not for much longer once my arthritis prescription runs out) and I hope to be back in the game soon.

HAROLD'S VERDICT: ZERO CLAMS OUT OF FIVE CLAMS. To quote the kids.... this show is da bomb's pajamas!
Studio 60 is genius and I can't wait to put words in that brilliant mouth of Mr. Bradley Whitford. Well, I'm off to lunch at Nate N' Al's with my old buddies from the "Chico" days. And this time I'M buying!

JACK ALBERTSON'S ESTATE CAN KISS MY TUCHIS!


Leave me alone, for the nine thousandth time. It's my Emmy. Sure it says Jack's name on it, but he gave it to me. You understand me, some grandniece from South Nowhere? Your granduncle gave it to me. Me, Hecuba. Why? Wouldn't you give it away if you were grateful to the writer of the episode of "Chico And The Man" that earned you the award? Grateful to the man who sat down and dreamed up that speech where Ed ("The Man" to you babies in diapers out there) tells his buddy the cop how much he misses Chico now that he's in that "big barrio in the sky"? Sure you would.




Maybe you wouldn't because you're not a class act like Jonathan "Jack" Albertson, you're just some distant heir without a funny bone in your body trying to get back what you think is rightfully yours. Well, you can take it out of my cold dead hands... and they will be cold because I'lll give that trophy up when hell freezes over! (BUT HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL?) That IS how I really feel! I'm sorry, I just get so mad at ingrates who never did anything in show business. Forgive me. I'll make nice tomorrow.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ANN JILIAN


Working with you was more than "A Living" (look it up, youngsters) -- it was a living dream. You are a class act all the way and I wish you nothing but the best. And, again, I'm so sorry about what I said that day after that night that we did that thing. It was crass and unprofessional and I was going through a tough time. I know in your heart you forgive me, even if you've never said it to my face or voicemail. I'm still at the same number if you feel like giving me a jingle (remember how we laughed at morons who used that phrase?)

Bottom line, no CLAMS for you, Annie Jo. I'll always be your number one fan.

HAROLD'S MINI REVIEW #1

"FAMILY GOY" (no misprint, that's the joke)



What the hell is this show? A fat moron who makes poo jokes all the time? A baby that wants to kill its mother? Are you kidding me? This is a show? And the little 9 year old who writes it is swimming in women, driving some big car and laughing all the way to the bank? Well that's the only laughter in my house -- except when my grandson Tommy comes over to watch it. Explain to me how this is a show... a dog who drinks martinis? In the daytime? And every other word is bitch this and ass that and poo and pee that! What is this written in crayon?



It's a blessing that the original Family Guy, Robert Reed, never lived to see this. I thank God for giving him that disease 20 years ago so he wouldn't have to see the good name of FAMILY COMEDY dragged through the gutter by some bunch of smart ass retards. And don't tell me it's EDGY. I know edgy.




I wrote the "Carter Country" where the redneck famer called Kene Holliday "boy". You shoulda heard that audience at Radford Studios gasp. Then Kene came back with a zinger so strong, so "edgy" that it made the people gasp again, and then cheer. If I can find the script, I'll priint it here, but believe me, it was sometthing else, so don't talk to me about EDGE. This show isn't EDGE, it's FUDGE (think about it). It makes me glad that nobody returns my phone calls. Who wants to be hired by a show like this????!!!

HAROLD'S VERDICT.... FIVE CLAMS OUT OF FIVE (where five is bad and zero is good). In brief, this thing stinks worse that Totie FIelds' sauna pants after the March Of Dimes. (Look it up and laugh).

Look for more reviews in the future if I can stop throwing up.

YOUTH TODAY... HOO BOY


So my grandson reads the blog and calls me. Who is Phil Silvers, he asks. I can't believe this kid. Never heard of Phil SIlvers? What are you, I ask -- 8? No, 13, he says. All the more reason I say. I give him my DVDs of Bilko ( I can't figure out how to work the button thing anyway) and tell him "Call me in a week." Kids today have no respect for the comedy giants of our industry. It's all David Spade and Dice Clay with them I suppose. Times like this make me want to really kill myself this time. (BUT HOW DO YOU REALLY FEEL?)

ABOUT THAT TITLE....

Okay, I bet your wondering about the title of this cockamamie thing. Well, 'The Bad Pitch" is a sitcom writer's term. Basically, when a bunch of writers are in "THE ROOM" working on, or 'BREAKING" a story, we'll often use what's called "THE BAD PITCH" to proffer a story idea or "JOKE". It means, 'here's the obvious, not terribly original, probably not too funny version of what I'm thinking of and if you guys think it's a road we want to go down, then we'll come up with "THE GOOD VERSION".

A sample Bad Pitch: "So, what if Rerun says to the trampy girl, and here's the bad pitch, 'Hey, you're really trashy." And then she makes a fat joke about how he eats out of the trash." Which, after hours of work turns into this piece of comic dialogue:

RERUN: Girl, you're like a HIgh School on Sundays... no class.

SMART ALECK GIRL: Gee, Rerun that's so smart, they might accept you into Yale.

RERUN: Really? Yale in Connecticut?

SMART ALECK GIRL: No I mean Yale, in New Yersey.


That exchange took seven hours to perfect. But perfect it we did. And Fred Berry made that scene just sing. I miss him every day.

"HOW ARE YOU?!"

If, like me, you didn't spend the past 90 years in a cave somewhere crazy, you'll recognize those words as the etetrnal catchprhase of the great Phil Silvers, the inspiration, if you will, for my nom de mouse... get it? If you do, then you have a sense of humor, unlike the morons running TV networks and studios and Hollywood talent agencies these days. Those people are the least funny, least "with it" human beings on the face of this earth. "But how do you really feel?"

Remember that line? Sure you do, it's funny is why. Think it wrote itself? Think it just sprang wholly from the lips of the actor who first uttered it on a little show called "Carter Country"? Think again, O Great Nimcompoop from the East. A writer wrote that line. A writer fought like hell to get that line broadcast on the American Broadcasting Company. Did that writer realize at the time he had discovered a whole new vein of comedy gold? That writer would be lying if he told you he did. But he did know it was FRESH. And FRESH is what the comedy writer's life is all about. What's new? What's now? What hasn't been done before? And once the writer finds that mysterious something FRESH, then he's free to use it all he wants. That's the beauty of this game that I've been proud to practice for these past 30 plus years.

So welcome to my blog. Here's where you'll get the straight dope from a straight dope. You'll get the true stories behind some of TVs greatest sitcoms and the abosolute pricks who produced and starred in these shows ("But how do you really feel?") You'll learn about the writer's life... and the life's writer. By which I mean LOVE. Love of a good woman, love of children and grandchildren. But mostly, and let's be honest, love of a nice fat paycheck.

To finish this first post with the words of a character I once created in a pilot (don't ask the name, it never got on -- the pricks killed it)... "Daddy, that looks like a WHOLE LOT of meatballs." A whole lot of meatballs indeed. And I'm gonna share them all with you.

ENJOY!